Only in Vegas, magic-style

Had another only-in-Vegas moment on Sunday night. I was out to dinner with Mrs. Gopher and the Gopherettes at a hip new pizza joint in Henderson -- south of the 215 on Eastern, to be exact. We were enjoying a delicious pesto/sausage pie and a ham-n-cheese calzone for the girls when in walked none other than Penn Gillette.

No sign of Teller. Just Penn, two other dudes, two women and two urchins about the size of Mr. Gillette's gargantuan head (he's a big dude). I'm guessing one of the women was his wife, and maybe the kids were his. Hard to tell from two tables away who was with whom and what they were all consuming. I didn't want to get all celebristalker on him and ask for a photo -- even magicians deserve to get a Sunday night dinner with their family in relative peace.

So, Wayne Newton in December, Penn Gillette in January. Can Paris Hilton in February be out of the question?

I think I thought I saw you bet on the Colts (part 2)

Sports Illustrated/HBO/NBC's Peter King -- noted latte lover, youth softball coach and NFL bon vivant -- has made his Monday Morning Quarterback column a weekly must-read for those of us with pigskin fever. His trademark feature (note: not actually trademarked) is "10 Things I Think I Think." I'm going to blatantly rip off Mr. King's bit with tonight's blog post, which I call "Sunday Night Quarterback, As In I Want My Quarter Back That I Bet On The Friggin' Colts."

10 Things I Think I Know, Sunday Edition

10. I think I know that the Colts gave that game to San Diego. Let me count the ways: Marvin Harrison fumbles at the Chargers 23 as the Colts appear poised to take a 14-0 lead and stomp on the Chargers' necks in the first quarter. Peyton Manning throws a terrible interception in the final 30 seconds of the half, costing the Colts at least a field goal attempt. Manning throws another pick on a little flip to Kenton Keith inside the Chargers 5. There's three scoring chances the Colts let trickle down their collective legs. All the endorsement money in the world won't keep Manning warm at night when he thinks about those three plays all winter.

9. I think I know that Harrison should have told his coaches he wasn't ready to go. It couldn't have been more obvious on the fumble after his first catch in 2 1/2 months -- he didn't want to get hit. Not just that he wanted to avoid contact like any receiver would -- he truly didn't want the Chargers to touch him, so he flopped all over trying to avoid Antonio Cromarte and dropped the ball as if he'd been shot when Cromarte made contact with his legs. I know, he'd have been ripped for being soft if he'd sat out this game, but if he was that scared of contact, he owed it to his team to stay on the sidelines.

8. I think I know that Philip Rivers looks like a guy I'd want to punch in the face. It's not just that smug smirk that he wears when he's happy -- he just doesn't know to shut up when he's ahead. When the ESPN cameras caught him berating Denver's Jay Cutler at the end of the Christmas night win over the Broncos, I thought maybe we missed part of the story, like Cutler questioning Rivers' lineage or making fun of how he played against the Vikings this year. But after seeing Rivers taunting the Indianapolis fans at the end of the game on Sunday, it's pretty clear -- he's just a jerk. Can't wait to see what Murph and Sully have in store for him next Sunday in Foxboro after a couple 13-14 beers in the parking lot.

7. I think I know that Marty Schottenheimer is as confused as the rest of us. Maybe Norv Turner has a horseshoe hidden in his ass that we don't know about, but seriously, how can this guy be 2-0 in the playoffs with essentially the same team that Marty couldn't coach to a postseason win?

6. I think I know that the Colts will never figure out how they lost to a Chargers team with Turner on the Motorola headset, Michael Turner and Darren Sproles in the backfield, and Billy Volek under center. Seriously.

5. I think I know that Wade Phillips' offseason just got a lot more interesting. The top-seeded Cowboys couldn't beat the Giants for a third time this season, extending their playoff drought to 11 years and counting (their last win came against the Vikings in 1996, the year that Brad Johnson got the Purple to the playoffs when he took over for Warren Moon, for crying out loud!). Offensive coordinator Jason Garrett is one of the hottest coaching candidates in the NFL, and it's been assumed that Phillips is just keeping the seat warm until Garrett is ready to assume the reins. But Jerry Jones might have to pull the plug on the Phillips Era right now if he wants to keep his boy Garrett in Dallas, with the Redskins, Falcons and Dolphins all looking for a new head coach.

4. I think I know that the Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson story will get talked to death all week. I'm already sick of hearing about it and I haven't even turned on the radio yet. Nobody can convince me that watching another 20 hours of tape would have prepared Romo to better deal with the Giants' pressure and secondary. The Cowboys didn't get anything from their wide receivers -- T.O. was gimpy, Patrick Crayton was doing his Marcus Pollard impersonation, and Terry Glenn was at least better than Harrison, but not by much. A few Coronas in Cancun with a brainless starlet didn't cost the Cowboys this win.

3. I think I know that I'm also already sick of the "Eli Manning is all grown up" story line. However, it is pretty ironic that he advanced to the conference title game on the same day that his celebrated older brother fell flat on his face with one of his worst postseason performances ever. Do you think Peyton will be in the suite at Lambeau with Archie, Olivia and Cooper? Wearing the Peyton Manning Face? For all that Eli has had to endure, I think he deserves a framed photograph of that shot on his mantel.

2. I think I know that Manning's play on the road must have some people befuddled, but it's no surprise to anybody who knows a thing or two about New York sports fans. So, you say that Eli relaxes and cuts loose on the road, while he plays tense and tight at home when the boos rain down on his first incompletion? Go figure. They say the Philly crowds are tough on their hometown heroes, but do you know the difference between an Eagles fan and a Giants fan? The Eagles fan takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it. Giants fans don't deserve this success, and I hope Eli realizes the mistake he made on draft day and walks away from the Meadowlands the first chance he gets.

1. I think I know that Glen Mason is breathing a huge sigh of relief right now, because if the Cowboys and Patriots had reached the Super Bowl, at some point during the week the national media would have realized that both Marion Barber III and Laurence Maroney had played at the University of Minnesota -- at the same time, no less! -- and the best Mason could get out of them was a victory in the Music City Bowl. Talk about blowing your window of opportunity ... nice going, Mase.

I think I thought I saw you bet on the Colts

Sports Illustrated/HBO/NBC's Peter King -- noted latte lover, youth softball coach and NFL bon vivant -- has made his Monday Morning Quarterback column a weekly must-read for those of us with pigskin fever. His trademark feature (note: not actually trademarked) is "10 Things I Think I Think." I'm going to blatantly rip off Mr. King's bit with tonight's blog post, which I call "Sunday Night Quarterback, As In I Want My Quarter Back That I Bet On The Friggin' Colts."

10 Things I Think I Know, Saturday Edition

10. I think I know that football is more fun in the snow. Every postseason should have one snow game like the Packers and Seahawks staged on Saturday. I only wish I had seen it in HD, although I was spared the obligatory shots of frozen snotsicles dangling from Mike Holmgren's mustache.

9. I think I know that Breffarve loves to play football. Wait a minute -- I know I know that, because I've heard it multiple times in every Packers game I've seen since 1992. "Breffarve loves to play the game of football," or some such derivative of that sentence, has replaced "Joey Browner has the strongest hands in the NFL" as the must-gush line of choice among football broadcasters.

8. I think I know that Marcus Pollard is regretting his decision to sign with a non-dome team. True, it was a road game so it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been a Viking or a Ram or a Colt on Saturday, but have you ever seen a football player more ill-equipped to play in wintry conditions? He dropped more balls than Dick Clark on Saturday. I think one of his fingers actually shattered on the last miscue.

7. I think I know that the Packers are on a roll. How many teams have you seen fall behind 14-0 in the first five minutes of the game and still cruise to an easy victory? I mean, they were down two scores before the antifreeze had started to settle into their fans' bloodstreams, but they had the lead before the first Cheesehead had peed in his snowmobile suit. That, my friends, was impressive.

6. I think I know that Ryan Grant rebounded better than Moses Malone in his prime. Let's assess young Mr. Grant's first NFL playoff game: Two fumbles on his first three touches. Then 201 yards and three touchdowns the rest of the way. And the Packers got him from the Giants for a sixth-round draft pick? Well, before Mike McCarthy, Ted Thompson and the ghost of Curly Lambeau start sucking each other's popsicles, let's recall that Grant languished behind Deshawn Wynn, Brandon Jackson and Vernand Morency on the depth chart before they decided to take a flyer on him in Week 8. So it's not like the Packers braintrust exactly knew what they had in Grant from Day One.

5. I think I know that if anybody can put the fear of God into this year's Patriots, the Jaguars did just that on Saturday night. With young quarterback David Garrard playing the game of his life, the Jags matched the Juggernaut punch-for-punch deep into the third quarter. Garrard appears to be the real deal, Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew are the top running back tandem in the NFL (sorry AD and Chester), and the defense has enough power and speed to keep up with most mortal offenses. They're going to be the sexy pick to dethrone the Colts in the AFC South next year.

4. I think I know that the Jaguars prove the NFL's Pro Bowl is a fraud. How can a team that went 11-5, beat the Steelers twice on the road and gave the Pats all they wanted in Foxboro have exactly zero Pro Bowlers? I know, Taylor was added as an injury replacement, but come on, can't we all just agree that Pro Bowl voting is a completely fraudulent exercise and the game should be scrapped for good?

3. I think I know that when the Jaguars had to settle for a field goal that cut the Patriots' lead to 21-17 with 4:08 to play in the third quarter, the game was over. You could just feel it -- they'd been matching the Pats score-for-score, and when New England opened the second half with a long touchdown drive, everybody expected the Jags to follow suit. But after marching down to the New England 21, the Jags blinked. Dennis Northcutt dropped a catchable ball at the goal line and the drive stalled, resulting in a Josh Scobee field goal. And sure enough, on their next possession the Patriots went 76 yards in six plays, capped by Tom Brady's ridiculous fake Statue of Liberty TD pass to Ben Watson, giving the Undefeateds a 28-17 lead. And Jacksonville never again had the ball with a chance to tie or take the lead.

2. I think I know that the Patriots just passed their toughest test on the road to 19-0. Or at least the toughest test left on the slate. They went toe-to-toe with a healthy, young, explosive Jacksonville squad and came away with a double-digit win. If you think they're going to get a better game from the banged-up Chargers next week, you're sitting in Dwight Smith's car too much. As for the Super Bowl, there's a reason the AFC has been a two-touchdown favorite over the NFC -- no matter which teams make it -- since midseason.

1. I think I know that the Patriots handled Laurence Maroney just right this year. All season the pundits fretted about the Pats' seeming inability to run the ball, and wondered aloud about Maroney's durability and toughness. But Bill Belichick knew that he didn't need Maroney in September, October or even November -- why rush him back into heavy duty when Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker and the rest of the crew could play pitch-and-catch in good weather? Once the tough sledding arrived in December, Maroney was ready to shoulder the burden, and once again Belichick looks like a genius.

Divisional four-pack

Should be a great weekend of football. I don't recall four games with bigger spreads actuall enticing me. Each game has a great story line and plenty of talking points, and I think every one of the underdogs could not only cover but win outright -- yes, even Jacksonville. Here's what I'm looking at this weekend:

Seattle (+9, 43) at Green Bay -- Holmgren and Hasselback return to Lambeau to take on the aging but still brilliant Breffarve. Too bad this one isn't on NBC -- I'd love to count the number of times Madden puts on the old knee pads to discuss "Number 4." I just didn't like the way Hasselback looked last weekend, and if he's at all shaky, the Hawks are done. Packers 31, Seahawks 13

Jacksonville (+13.5, 49.5) at New England -- Can the Patriots' streak continue? Will David Garrard wilt under the pressure? Will Mike Tice and Randy Moss meet before the game and send a fake-moonshot toward Lambeau? I like the Jags' running game and a big play or two from Maurice Jones-Drew to keep it close against the Pats, who don't have any individual records to play for and will be happy to just win comfortably, not blow out their opponent. Patriots 34, Jaguars 24

San Diego (+9.5, 45) at Indianapolis -- Hmmm ... Norv Turner vs. Tony Dungy. Philip Rivers without Antonio Gates. The revenge factor for the Colts. This seems like the easiest pick on the board, which is why it scares me a little. But not that much. Colts 31, Chargers 16

New York Giants (+9, 46.5) at Dallas -- Over/under on the number of times we'll hear the old saw about beating a team three times in one season: 11.5. Over/under on Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson references: 14.5, or 22.5 if Joe Buck is involved in the broadcast (he has to show his pop culture cred if he's going to land that talk show gig). Either way, I like the Cowboys' defense to rattle Eli Manning, who played better last week but will not relish facing Dallas' blitz without his stud center and tight end to block and provide a checkdown option. Cowboys 38, Giants 27

Yep, I'm picking three favorites and four overs -- sounds like I'm the ultimate square, the guy all the sharks want to see walking up to the window with a fistful of Benjamins. Well, let's revisit this Sunday night and see who's laughing.

A rare four-star review

Nobody was more surprised than I to find out that I really liked the new CD by Lee Rocker. Remember the Stray Cats? Rocker was the pompadoured purveyor of the stand-up bass, who along with Slim Jim Phantom provided the bouncy rhythms behind Brian Setzer's glossy guitar and vocals.

He came to Vegas last week -- Henderson, actually -- and while I didn't go see him, I kinda wish I had. His latest CD, "Black Cat Bone," is pretty darn solid. Let's let a professional music writer tell you more:

The former Stray Cats bassist has carved out a nice little niche in the roots-rock world, and his latest solo effort pushes the boundaries beyond rockabilly. Hints of Springsteen, Elvis (Presley and Costello) and Hank Sr. reveal a polished songwriter who’s not afraid of taking chances to find his voice.

Wow. That guy can really turn a phrase. Anyway, Lee Rocker -- who knew?

5 songs to live by

The Weekly wanted all of its minions to submit their top five songs of 2007. Here's a sampling of the music that left the biggest impression on me last year. Consider it a teaser for the long-awaited Top Ten of 2007 list, which is nearing completion.

1. Rilo Kiley, “15” (Under the Blacklight) Heed this warning or risk a visit from Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen.
2. Jason Isbell, “Dress Blues” (Sirens of the Ditch) This is how you support our troops: by writing a stomach-punch-powerful song about the death of a Marine.
3. Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings, “Let Them Knock” (100 Days, 100 Nights) Motown never sounded sexier than this ode to ... uhh ... concentration.
4. Okkervil River, “Unless It’s Kicks” (The Stage Names) Catchiest guitar riff this side of The Fratellis.
5. Andrew Bird, “Fiery Crash” (Armchair Apocrypha) Fear of terrorism, immigrants and vinyl settees are tackled head-on, with cool harmonies!

Hall of What?

Debate over who deserves to belong to the various halls of fame in the sports world is great fodder for mediocre talk radio, but it's one of my least favorite topics. Since the very notion of "fame" is subjective -- i.e. there's no statistical litmus test for any hall except that of the LPGA -- you're never going to reach a satisfactory consensus. That makes it a great crutch for talk show hosts looking to kill a segment, but its predictability makes it mind-numbingly boring.

However, there's one aspect of Hall of Fame announcements that I relish every year -- the names at the bottom of the ballot. Lost amid the news that Goose Gossage has been deemed worthy of a plaque at Cooperstown are the following players who each received one Hall of Fame vote:

Shawon Dunston, Chuck Finley, David Justice, Chuck Knoblauch, Todd Stottlemyre

Finley and Justice might qualify for the Hottest Crazy ex-Wife Hall of Fame. Dunston is a shoo-in for the Make Your First Baseman's Hand Sting Hall of Fame (just ask Mark Grace). And Knoblauch can join Dave Engle, Steve Sax, Mackey Sasser and Steve Blass in the Schroeder Hall of Fame (named for the piano-playing catcher in "Peanuts" who walked the ball back to Charlie Brown after every pitch).

But Todd Stottlemyre? Really? I want to talk to that one voter to find out what possibly motivated the checkmark next to Stottlemyre's name on his ballot.