NFL Week 6: What we learned

Ugh. I've been putting this off, because I'm getting weary of revisiting my mediocrity. But I have to do it, so here goes: 1-for-5 on the parlay, with the Vikings' offensive explosion blowing two of the picks, and the Patriots continuing to be the bedrock. Jeez, that was the ugliest yet.

We also learned that Adrian Peterson is the real deal; the Chargers might be back after all; the AFC might be dominant, but the AFC East is the worst division in football; Vinny Testaverde -- who was a week old when JFK was shot -- can still get it done; the Saints at least have a pulse; and the Falcons do not.

One other comment: readers of Bill Simmons, a.k.a. ESPN's Sports Guy, know by now that he's become obsessed with the Patriots' supposed mistreatment by the national media in the wake of their signal-taping scandal. His latest column about it was filled with angst and petulance and paranoia, and it's getting a little bit old. He's turning this into such a "we're the victim" story that I am growing weary of reading him these days. I still love his writing, but he's dead wrong about this one.

For one thing, the Pats got off easy, even if every team does this and they were the only ones who were caught. And this whole idea that everybody hates the Patriots now, that they're the Cobra Kai Yankees, as he put it? Ridiculous. Maybe I'm jaded by living in Vegas, but around here, everybody's favorite team is the team who brings home their bets, and the Patriots are now 6-0 against the spread. Vegas can't keep up with them -- they put out a line, it moves up by a point or two as the money flows in on New England, and the Pats still cover with ease. So I love the Patriots, and I think even non-gamblers love watching what they're doing this year.

So Billy boy, your team is not universally loathed. You're not the villains, the NFL version of the Yankees, and you're certainly not the victims in this whole taping scandal. So please, give it a rest and get back to obsessing about the fading careers of former child stars, the genius of Isiah Thomas, and the reality show du jour. Victimization does not become you.

NFL Week 6: The Parlay

Here's the parlay for Week 6 -- I was in a rush because I'm heading back to Minnesota on Friday and trying to get a ton of stuff done today, so I didn't even put that much thought into it. Maybe that'll be the magic formula.

Bengals -2.5 at KC
Bears -5.5 vs. Minnesota
Bears/Vikings under 37.5
Rams +9.5 at Baltimore
Patriots -5.5 at Dallas

Biggest concern: Rams, of course, but I thought Gus was frisky enough on Sunday to move the ball on the Ravens, and Baltimore's offense shouldn't be able to beat anybody by 10 points.

The shoe-in is the Patriots. They just don't not cover. Or, as any of a number of self-important windbag football announcers today might say, "I'm not so sure I don't think there's not a chance of the Patriots not covering this week."

Only in Vegas: Moment #354

I was just trying to set up an interview with a woman known as "the running reverend" -- she's going to be marrying or renewing the vows of more than 50 couples at the Las Vegas Marathon on Dec. 2. So typical of Vegas.

But even more Vegas was her response when I asked if we could chat about the event. "Can I call you back in 10 minutes? I'm just about to do a wedding."

Just about to do a wedding, but she'll be free in 10 minutes. That, my friends, happens only in Vegas.

NFL Week 5: What we learned

We learned that I seem to have a better feel on the over/under lines than the point spreads -- I nailed the under on the Jags-Chiefs game and the Niners-Ravens game, but I missed the three spreads I picked, with two of the teams (Saints and Packers) losing outright.

We also learned that Breffarve is human, although John Madden can't quite bring himself to admit it. Breffarve made an amazingly stupid play -- throwing across his body back to the middle of the field, deep in his own territory, with the Packers dominating the Bears and leading by 10 in the third quarter -- but in the wake of the play, all Madden could do was talk about what a great defensive play Brian Urlacher made for coming up with the interception.

I tell ya, if I'd gone 4-for-4 on my parlay during the day and only needed that Packers cover to cash my ticket, I'd have driven through the night, arrived in Green Bay sometime on Monday and personally throttled Breffarve. Well, OK, no I wouldn't have, but that was just a brain-dead play. Now, can we finally put to bed this nonsense that somehow Breffarve is a different quarterback this year, that he's turned himself into a conservative game-manager type of player, rather than the free-wheeling gunslinger he's been in the past 15 years? To borrow a phrase from the Calcutta Clipper himself, Breffarve is who we thought he was!

We also learned that the Patriots cannot not cover the spread, no matter what forces conspire against them; the Bills cannot handle prosperity, but Monday Night home dogs are still tough to beat; Trent Green apparently got a D in physics at Indiana; the Stillers are a pretty salty home squad; the Lions are a pretty horrible road squad; the Browns might be pesky this year; the Colts have a nice jayvee team too; the Chargers have a pulse; the Broncos are an 0-5 team that has two wins thanks to some quirky field-goal shenanigans; and the Vikings finally figured out a way to get through a week without a turnover.

Steve Earle, folk hero

Steve Earle has always been a folk hero of sorts -- to the liberal/libertarian-leaning followers of U.S. politics. But now he's literally a folk hero, with the release of "Washington Square Serenade," a love letter to his adopted hometown of New York City, which channels all the greats of the Greenwich Village folk movement of the mid-to-late 1960s.

Give it a listen, and you'll hear echoes of Dylan, Seeger, and even some Simon and Garfunkel thrown in for good measure. He also has a couple of lovely duets with the even lovelier Allison Moorer (see above -- still can't figure out that coupling -- Steve must be a gentle, caring lover, or else Allison tired of good-looking bad boys and decided to settle down with somebody safe, like a paunchy, balding, alcoholic ex-con with a raging heroin addiction in his recent past and a reserved cell in Guantanamo Bay possibly in his future).

Here's my review, for those interested in learning more about Steve Earle, folk hero.

Five for Week 5

Here's the parlay, for those still wondering if I can pick a game (I include myself among that crowd).

Saints -3 vs. Carolina
Cards -3.5 at St. Louis
Packers -3.5 vs. Chicago
Jags/Chiefs under 36
Ravens/Niners under 35

I'm most confident in the Saints, who stink out loud this year but should be able to overcome David Carr at home. I'm least confident in the Cardinals, who are dicey favorites anywhere, let alone on the road, but the Rams are just so bad. Still, I wouldn't be surprised to see Gus Frerotte shove it down my throat.

NFL Week 4: What we learned

OK, back in the blogging saddle again and it's time to look back on Week 4 of the NFL and see what we've learned:

1. Brad Childress needs to get out more. The Vikings coach comes across in his quotes like one of those pencil-necked business weenies (usually marketing types) who spend all their time around fellow business weenies, and thus cannot divorce themselves from their own internal lingo that only people in their industry understand.

To wit: After Sunday's loss to Green Bay, Childress was asked to comment on the Vikings' final offensive play, where receiver Bobby Wade was jostled by Packers cornerback Charles Woodson while the ball was on the way. The Packers intercepted, the game was over, and this thought was going through Chilly's X-and-O addled brain:

"My understanding of the interference rule is that you can't be collisioning a guy when the ball's in the air; yeah, I have a question about that," Childress said. "Yeah, I do think it was interference."

Now, that quote did come from Sid Hartman's column, so you might be tempted to question its accuracy, but Mike Max usually does a good job of writing Sid's column. Plus, it's something you can just hear coming out of Chilly's mouth. He loves "coachspeak," talking about the "plus-20-yardline" when he means the opponent's 20-yardline, or how the quarterback "delivers the recitation" in the huddle -- i.e., how he tells his teammates what play they're going to run.

Chilly, even though you're 1-3 and headed for a disaster not seen in these parts since the days of Les Steckel, it might be a good idea to get out of the office for more than three hours a day. Come out from behind the Perkins menu. Go for a walk. Maybe spend some time talking with somebody who doesn't pepper his speech with terms like "zone-dog" and "mike-backer." Just get some distance from the game for a couple hours a week -- it'll do you good.

2. Speaking of people who need to step back and take a deep breath ... I wasn't around to hear this live on Sunday, but according to numerous reports, ESPN's Chris Berman actually said, "Rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America. It just is."

Now, I've always said that you can tell an idiot Viking fan from a good Viking fan by his opinion on Brefarve (John Madden's pet name for the Packers QB). Good fans appreciate him even though they hope the Vikings beat him every time; idiot fans say that Brefarve sucks and think Vicodin jokes are still funny.

But I'm long past the time when I've lost my stomach for the media's fawning over Brefarve. If you believe the media, Brefarve could broker peace in the Middle East, balance the U.S. budget and whip up a mean lobster bisque. Before breakfast. He might even be as amazing as Chuck Norris.

It's not Brefarve's fault that most of the sports media turns into a horde of drooling jock-sniffers at the mere mention of his name. So I don't resent Brefarve for the weekly dose of hyperbole over his admittedly great accomplishments. I just wish people like Chris Berman would get over their man crush long enough to provide some journalistic objectivity.

Wait, I just typed "Chris Berman" and "journalistic" in the same sentence. My computer will now self-destruct in five seconds if I don't move on.

3. I'm getting worse, not better, on my parlays. A 2-for-5 effort was positively Childressesque. I said I was worried about the Ravens, and rightly so. I guess I was close on the Steelers-Cards over (one more TD and I'd have had it), but I completely whiffed on the Seahawks-Niners over. Of course, had I known Trent Dilfer would be prominently involved in the outcome of said game, I would have stayed far, far away.

Still, I can do better. And without the Vikings to kick around this week (1-3 ATS, under 3 of 4 games), I will have to find another sure thing upon which to base my picks. Send me your suggestions.

That is all for now. We return you to your regular programming.