Great line

From Dana Milbank of the Washington Post, on with Olbermann Monday night, on why Alberto Gonzales resigned:

"He wanted to spend more time spying on his family."

Little. Yellow. Different.

I admit, I'm a sucker for anything related to The Simpsons, so when I heard about Burger King's SimpsonizeMe.com web site, where you can create your own personalized Simpsons character based on a photo you provide, I had to give it a shot.

The results, predictably, are hilarious. Here's what I look like as a citizen of Springfield, USA:

Here's Kris:

And Fiona:

And Nora:

Shameless marketing ploy or well-deserved reward for a life-long Simpsons fan? You decide. For some reason, however, I am craving a Big Mac ...

Blue Ribbon, Purple Heart

For the past seven or so years, I've been a contributor to the Blue Ribbon Yearbooks that preview the college football and basketball seasons. It's great to be part of a respected national publication and it keeps me watching college sports when, left to my own devices, I'd probably watch nothing but NFL and MLB on the teevee.

But it's not the easiest writing. I sometimes think of it as the literary equivalent of the "meatball surgery" the doctors on "M*A*S*H" performed -- churn through it with competence and accuracy, but not much flair or artistry. It's darn tough to weave a thematic element through a 5,000-word piece on a college football team, or even a 1,800-word piece on a hoops squad.

Fortunately, the BR stable includes a number of talented writers so the burden is shared equitably. I usually write four football stories each season -- each checking in at 5,000 words or more -- and then get one or maybe two conferences in basketball, where there are more teams and shorter stories. Still, that's about 20,000 words per book, so it's no wonder that my fingers are screaming for combat pay as I pull back from the smoking keyboard after each marathon Blue Ribbon session.

This is a roundabout way of providing links to my football stories. It seems BR has signed an agreement with ESPN.com in which we give them our content to share with their readers, and they advertise the 800-number which you can call to order the book. It appears you have to be an "Insider" (i.e. paid subscriber) to view these, but if you're not an Insider and you're truly interested in reading these, let me know and I'd be happy to share my password with you (sorry, Bristol, it won't happen again, I promise).

• Colorado
• Iowa State
• Kansas
• Missouri

I really like Mizzou this year -- I think they're going to benefit from the experience of last year's collapse after a 6-0 start, and will challenge Nebraska for first place in the Big 12 North. Colorado is interesting because they've got some young talent and a second-year head coach who was the main architect of that Boise State program that had everybody talking after last year's Fiesta Bowl. ISU and Kansas are also-rans as ever.

Hard to believe the football season is less than a week away -- even harder for me to believe it because I'm up to my elbows in my BR basketball stories as we speak.

Farewell, Turd Blossom

I can't let Karl Rove's departure from the Bush Administration slip by without comment. I've never understood why a person whose sole job is to ensure the dominance of one political party over the other should draw a salary from the American people. Seriously. Democrat or Republican or Whig or Snake Handler, I don't care -- once you've done your job of getting your guy (or gal) elected, move along to another candidate for another office. Because when you let political concerns drive your policy agenda, you're clearly only serving one half (or slightly more or less) of the citizens of this great country.

Sure, I'm being incredibly naive, I know that. This is how the machine churns. And both major parties are guilty of it (though I'd argue that Bush has allowed Rove to push the practice beyond any previous extremes of arrogance, viciousness, and general sweaty, frog-lipped creepiness). But I'd like to think the American people are better than that, and deserve better than that. Or maybe not the American people per se -- since they've done nothing to stop this practice and even have gone so far as to reward it in 2004 -- but America itself, the grand experiment in democracy deserves better.

In light of Rove's exodus from the Oval Office, I wanted to include a couple of links from people who have examined this development in terms far more detailed, pithy and entertaining than I. First of all, from the Daily Kos, the political blog that's the bane of the Bill O'Reilly crowd, we have this post from a writer named Hunter. If you don't have time for the whole post, here's the money shot:

Rove's oft-touted "genius" is nothing more than single-minded amorality. In campaigns and in the administration, he was and is unapologetically amoral in service to his own cause or that of his client: his "genius" is that he has consistently been willing to go farther, be meaner, and invent more astonishing lies than would be done by anyone in politics with a thin remaining threads (sic) of a conscience. From smearing John McCain's children with race-baiting taunts to attacking the careers and wives of critics to helping corrupt the most basic and foundational premises of the the United States Department of Justice, nothing has ever been considered "out of bounds". If a malevolent action is not taken -- such as ratcheting up the already venomous Republican rhetoric against immigrants -- it is done only in service to calculated poll numbers, never as a nod to basic morality or patriotism or human decency.

"Amoral" is the best way to describe the way the Republican campaign machine has run the country the last seven years. It's often been said that Republicans sure know how to win elections -- but governing? That's a whole other bag of babies. Rove is the walking, talking, smirking, slithering personification of that adage.

And on a lighter note, if that's possible in these dark times, here's a fantastic column by Mark Morford of SFGate.com, the web site of the San Francisco Chronicle. Thank God you are not Karl Rove, indeed.

I stand corrected

You might think the name of this blog is intended as a snarky joke, a reference to the lack of cultural events or nightlife here in the Vegas suburbs. And you'd be right.

But over at HendersonLive.com (I can only hope I stole their preferred name), proof that I was a bit hasty in my conclusions has once again slapped me in the face like a proverbial slap in the face.

That's right, on Sept. 1 ... LIVE! at the Henderson Pavilion ... it's Vince Neil! With special guests QUIET RIOT (not sure why that's in all caps -- Kevin Dubrow must have been compensating for something) and Slaughter. In fact, this event is so special, it merits a direct quote from the web site:

Vince Neil with special Guest Stars QUIET RIOT and Slaughter, "three of your favorites on one stage," with rock n� roll violin phenom Antonio Pontarelli as their opening act!!
If your flavor of music happens to be metal/rock you won't want to miss this.

OK. Apparently, "three of your favorites on one stage" is a direct quote from somebody or other. But whom? Sebastian Bach? Pamela Anderson? That bald, fat guy who hosted "Headbanger's Ball" on MTV? Some random kid in a Black Sabbath t-shirt playing Asteroids and sucking down a 90-oz Mountain Dew at a truck stop in Baker, Calif.? We need clarification, o great webmaster of HendersonLive.com.

And anytime you get to use "rock n? roll violin phenom" (sic) in a promo, you know you've got musical gold on your hands. Just stand back and count the money.

The totals on the board are correct

Here's the final tally for my recently completed road trip throughout 20 percent of this great country.

Days on the road: 26
Beds slept in: 10
States visited: 10
Cups of truck stop coffee consumed: Infinity
Miles driven: 5,162
Gallons of gas consumed: 213.6
Average mpg: 24.2
Money spent on gas: $625.93
Average price/gallon: $2.93
Best mileage/tank: 26.6 mpg (Minneapolis to Park Rapids, MN)
Worst mileage/tank: 21.6 mpg (Mitchell, SD to Blackhawk, SD)

The fuel efficiency numbers are somewhat surprising. I was told the hybrid engine wouldn't get great mileage on the freeway because the gas engine kicks in when you're driving above 30 mph, but I got pretty much the same mileage on this trip that I do when I'm tooling around Henderson. I'd credit that to cruise control regulating my speed and limiting the constant acceleration you see during most highway miles, but the worst mileage came on I-90 when I had the cruise locked in at 80 mph pretty much the whole way.

Regardless, I'm happy to be back, and even happier to have spent so much quality time with family, friends, and my iPod (in that order).

God. What a practical joker.

So, we'd made it seven hours into Wyoming yesterday with no blatant reminders of the state's favorite son. Sure, we passed four 100-car coal trains (all the better to choke your environment with, my dear!), but no signs pointing to the boyhood home of He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned, no trail of octogenarian bank executives with cranial gunshot wounds ... nothing. Just rolling hills, fruited plains, buffalo roaming -- lovely.

Then, as we were checking into our deluxe accommodations at the Rock Springs La Quinta (Spanish for "mediocre continental breakfast"), a fella who'd pulled in just behind us approached the desk and asked the clerk, "Y'all got any rooms available tonight?" When we went back outside, I checked the name painted on the door of his pickup truck:

"Halliburton. Houston, Texas."

I fully expect to trip over a pile of Vietnam War deferments on our way out of town today.