The curious case of Sean Avery

So, I'm having a hard time getting my head around this whole Sean Avery commotion. If you haven't heard, the NHL has suspended the notorious bad-boy -- now playing for the Dallas Stars, a team that should never have existed in the first place, not that I'm still bitter or anything -- because he made a somewhat crass reference to an opponent's girlfriend.

Seriously, that's how I would refer to it -- "somewhat crass." Not "libelous" or "hateful" or even "a disgustingly typical example of the decline of today's standards of decorum as demonstrated on a daily basis by young men between the ages of 21 and 30." Because I've heard worse. In fact, I hear worse every day.

Here's what Avery had to say to the assembled press corps at a pregame skate in Calgary on Monday:

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy-seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Umm ... OK ... Sure, Avery has dated a couple of starlet/model types who have gone on to date other NHL players. And sure, Avery is known as pretty much one of the bigger jerks in the game right now (just ask Martin Brodeur).

But seriously, people -- have we reached the point where we suspend players and crank up the outrage level to code-red when a professional athlete says something tacky or classless? His comments weren't racist. You could argue that they're borderline sexist, although I view them as primarily directed at the players in question, not at his exes.

The only way this approaches the level to which NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has taken it is if you know the "textbook" definition of sloppy seconds, as offered by Urban Dictionary (possibly NSFW, definitely NSF anybody who's easily offended). But the term has pretty much slipped into common usage to the degree that it has lost most of its original meaning and 99.4 percent of its shock value.

Bottom line: you just can't legislate classiness. Send him to the principal's office, give him a stern talking-to, lecture him on decorum all you want. But an indefinite suspension? That's like clearing out some cobwebs with a blowtorch.

Greed is NOT good

Well, the Christmas season got off to a rousing start -- and Black Friday took on an all-too literal meaning -- with the news that a 34-year-old maintenance worker at a Long Island Wal-Mart was trampled to death under the crush of 200 shoppers scrambling for "door-buster" bargains at 5:00 a.m. Friday.

I know every retailer is trying to do whatever it can to lure customers into its stores in this spiraling economy, and it's become such a cute little tradition to open early on the day after Thanksgiving to extend the hours of the biggest shopping day of the year. But it isn't cute anymore. When people's lives are in danger because shoppers are so desperate to get a bargain that they'll break down doors to get their hands on the last Xbox or flat-screen TV or Bratz All-Ages Club Skank (now with lower-back tattoo!), it's time to re-evaluate the whole process.

Of course, greed is the root cause of this whole mess -- the greed of the consumers, who want to BUYBUYBUY! for the lowest price possible, regardless of the cost to their dignity or the safety of their fellow shoppers and store employees; and the greed of the corporations, who need to maximize profits and keep shareholders or company executives happy, often at the expense of their own employees, who are torn away from their families at ridiculous hours (I mused about this last year in my "National Shopping Day" post -- what time do you suppose you'd have to go to bed on Thanksgiving Day so that you could be up and ready for work in time for a 5:00 a.m. store opening?).

Many, many moons ago, when the Vegas Gopher was just a Golden Gopher back in the motherland, I worked part-time at a Gap store. It was a decent job -- not exactly back-breaking work, nice people, good discount on the product -- but one thing really sucked. I had to be available to work on the day after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. Non-negotiable. You WILL be scheduled for those days, and you WILL show up for your shift, or you WILL be fired.

Which meant no leisurely holiday weekends for me. No lingering over the turkey leftovers or singing carols 'round the old Tannenbaum on Christmas night for me. I had to be safely tucked away in my own bed (two hours from my parents' house or four hours from my in-laws) on those blessed nights, because two even more blessed holidays -- National Shopping Day and National Returns Day -- required my presence.

At least I lived to tell about it.

Oh, please

If anybody needed any further explanation why most sports fans despise the New York Yankees (and their fans), all you have to do is click on this link. Yes, that's right, the Yankees "signed" Billy Crystal to a one-day contract and let him bat leadoff in their spring training game today against the Pirates in Tampa.

The true mark of organizational arrogance is when you're so full of yourselves that you think you're bigger than the game. And yeah, you could accuse me of being a baseball curmudgeon, and this was just a fun little publicity stunt, and it's only a spring training game, and it's only one at-bat, and it's a nice way to honor one of their longtime celebrity fans.

Whatever. This just smacks of the self-obsessed, obnoxious attitude that most of the country hates about New Yorkers. I watched some of the coverage, and the actual at-bat itself, on the YES Network this morning, and you'd think they were reporting on the appearance of Lou Gehrig's ghost or Roy Hobbs himself stepping into the batters box.

Of course, Crystal struck out and looked silly in doing so. He laid off a couple of borderline pitches, swung through a couple of meatball fastballs from soft-tossing lefty Paul Maholm, and the one time he did make contact, he was so far behind the lazy curveball that he slashed it foul down the first-base line.

Personally, I was hoping Maholm would stick the first pitch in his ribs and Crystal would pull a hamstring on his way to first base, but a strikeout is the next-best thing. Oh, and if the Yankees had any guts, they would have trotted out this circus yesterday when they played the Rays and maybe Crystal could have instigated a brawl.

Front-page news

Thanks to Farris Thorne over at FreeForm Fresno for this tip. Among the Breffarve retirement mania, which included some seriously delusional parents who named their newborn twin sons Brett and Favre, this, apparently, is what serves as front-page news in Green Bay these days.

As they say, you can't make it up.

Why we hate them

Minnesotans have long made sport of ridiculing Wisconsinites, specifically Packers fans, for their over-the-top, delusional support of their teams. Dan Barreiro's "Dairyland Diaries" and phone calls to Carl Gerbschmidt on KFAN are equally entertaining and insightful. Sure, some of the stories are taken out of context a bit, and Gerbschmidt is basically a cartoon character, but none of this would ring true if Packers fans didn't keep giving us ammunition.

To wit: in the Feb. 11 issue of Sports Illustrated, I came across this letter to the editor:

As a mom I had tears in my eyes when I read the opening of your story on the Packers (Winter Wonderland, Jan. 21). The vignette of the Favre family saying grace together certainly contrasts with the Hollywood imaged of Tony (oh, how far you've fallen from your Wisconsin roots) Romo. What a great competitor, athlete, dad and husband Brett Favre is. -- Karen Schick, Muskego, Wis.

So, because 27-year-old Tony Romo dates Hollywood starlets, he's apparently a poor role model, especially compared to the 38-year-old Favre. But wait a minute ... let's take a look at Breffarve as a 27-year-old (and even beyond). Super Bowl champion, yes, but also wild party animal (check), unwed father (check), Vicodin addict (check), alcohol abuser (check), etc.

Apparently, five years of exposure to those fine Wisconsin family values weren't enough to get Breffarve on the straight and narrow. I truly admire the man for the life that he's living right now, but like most of us, it takes some time to get it right. And the list of Breffarve's struggles dwarfs Romo's dalliances with Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson.

But in the minds of Packers fans like Karen Schick of Muskego, Wis., if Romo would return to his Wisconsin roots, he could restrain his wayward tendencies and become the paragon of moral virtue like Breffarve.

Or maybe Mark Chmura. Or Mossy Cade. Or James Lofton. Or Latrell Sprewell. Or any number of Wisconsin running backs suspended for a variety of infractions. Or Ed Gein. Or Jeffrey Dahmer.

Over the top? Perhaps, but not as much as the Karen Schicks of the world.

Paging Dennis DeYoung

From the "Too Much Time On My Hands" Department, it seems somebody at Consumer Reports has their undies in a bunch because Hannah Montana and Hillbilly Ray Cyrus weren't wearing their seatbelts during a scene from the recent Hannah Montana concert movie.

Please. I'm as safety-conscious as the next guy, but they were in the back seat for crying out loud. Maybe it's a nice safety tip to buckle up in back, but it's not illegal. Hey, they weren't wearing Life Helmets and mouthguards either -- somebody call Child Protective Services!

Maybe this issue hit a little close to home for me because I'd recently dropped $45 to take the two little Gopherettes to said movie (which, admittedly, beats the $4500 it would have taken to see the live version at the Thomas & Mack last month), or maybe it's because my 10-year-old has turned our house into a Hannah Montana shrine of sorts.

But it really irked me to read these Consumer Reports dipwads saying that she's setting a bad example for kids because she didn't have her damn seatbelt on. Not to get too preachy here, but I'm keenly aware of who is and is not a good role model for young girls in today's society, and Hannah Montana (a.k.a. Miley Cyrus) definitely outshines 99 percent of the other starlets and divas you'll come across on a given day. Her songs are filled with positive messages, they're empowering (sorry for that buzzword) for girls, and they're even halfway listenable. And the TV show is pretty darn funny.

No, your kids could do worse than watching Hannah Montana on TV or listening to her music. If they start patterning their lives after the pencil-necked, fussy-pants do-gooders at Consumer Reports? Then you've got something to worry about.

Moron alert

I just couldn't get over this. A guy in Illinois is suing the Blue Man Group because he claims they inflicted bodily harm on him during their throat-camera gag.

Perhaps I'm rushing to their defense because they, like the Gopher family, have found life in the desert to their liking (or at least profitable). Perhaps it's because I enjoyed their show when I attended with my family nearly two years ago.

But I think this story struck a nerve because the man in question is obviously a moron. The gag to which he's referring is a bit where the Blue Men come down from the stage, pick out an audience member and put a camera on a long cord into their mouth (kind of like the spy cameras you might see in a high-tech action movie like the good guys in "The Rock" used when they were breaking back into Alcatraz).

But as soon as the camera enters the subject's mouth, the footage on the big screen switches to a previously taped feature showing the inside of a human body. That's it -- it's a bit. If the plaintiff (whose lawyer must be Lionel Hutz, Esq.) truly has endured physical problems in the wake of attending the Blue Man Group performance, the odds are infinitesimal that his injuries were caused by the Blue Men.

I'd hate to see this guy at a Globetrotters game -- he might end up suing them for confetti-related trauma.